How I’m dealing with my post quarter-life crisis during a pandemic

Ten years ago, I envisioned myself being married and having a family by the time I was 27, being successful and content with my career, living in my dream house and living a happy life.

Fast forward to 2021, it’s the 2nd month of the year and in four months, I will be 30: the big 3-0 and here I am, still unmarried, confused with work, still renting in a house far away from my friends and feeling a bit anxious about my life and my future. It feels a little bit daunting thinking about these things and it is very scary and sad, sometimes.

You see, I’m not ungrateful to where I am at the moment: I have a boyfriend, I have work despite the pandemic, I have food on my table and roof over my head, I don’t have any illness and my family is healthy. I have always been thankful for all that I have and have achieved in my life. But the sad truth is, that dream from 10 years ago is still there, lingering and waiting to be achieved. When is almost my everyday question.

Before the pandemic broke out, things were normal for me (well, for rest of all of us really). We’re able to travel, see our friends and family, socialise with colleagues at work, go shop on the high street and just do normal activities like go to the gym, restaurants, pubs and schools.

But since the pandemic began, it’s been a difficult year for everyone, a lot of people lost their loved ones, a record number have lost their jobs, we couldn’t see our families and friends, and most are stuck at home not being able to do anything about it all. There are also others who are in constant fear for their loved ones who are working at the front lines, there are those who are working 24/7 to be able to help and protect the wider community during this pandemic. Thinking about the other scenarios that happened and are happening to everyone, I am a tad bit luckier, which makes me think that I don’t have the right to be anxious about my life right now.

The truth is, I am and I do feel it a lot of times, especially recently. If you have seen my previous personal posts, I have been feeling the effects of the pandemic both mentally and emotionally. It has affected my behaviour and perspective in life. It has been a huge blow to my mental health and it’s only the fact that someday, hopefully in the near future, I will be able to see my family again, that keeps me going.

Yes, I said it (and I’ll say it again): mentally speaking, I have hit rock bottom during the past year because of the pandemic and all the other instances of my life. And sometimes, only sometimes, that I feel like I couldn’t move forward because of what I’m going through, emotionally and mentally.

I have posted an essay about how I’ve been keeping it all together in the past year by eating healthily, getting enough sleep, exercising and doing some meditations. Don’t get me wrong, they have helped me a lot. And I sincerely hope that whoever read them have found them useful, one way or another. I have also seen improvements since but the scary thing is, I don’t think I have fully recovered, not yet, at least.

At this point in my life, I feel that I don’t have the right to feel what I am currently feeling. It makes me think that I am weak, ungrateful of what I have and utterly lost of what to do with my life. I have heard stories from friends and family who have experienced far worse than what I am experiencing right now, and it makes me feel guilty for even feeling slightly stressed about it all.

But that my dear friend (or reader) is a wrong attitude on how to deal with all of these things. Someone told me quite recently that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to feel lonely, it is okay to feel anxious about what is happening. I know it of course. It’s just so difficult, most of the time, to apply it in my every day life.

I have been reading a lot of wellness and mindful posts and forums about anxiety and stress during the pandemic. I have also been reading a lot about dealing with your relationship when you feel like it’s starting to fall apart. Most of the time, it is a lot to take in. Most of the time, I feel so confused I couldn’t see the point of even reading about these things. It just feels that self-help is not really a thing.

I would like to end my post in a more positive note, but I am struggling to find the right words. I am unhappy at the moment and I don’t know what to do about it. I just wake up each day, hoping that these feelings would go away. I do wish that by continuing my self-care routine, hopefully, someday, when this pandemic is over, I would be able to face my post quarter-life crisis in a more positive way. Hopefully, by then, together we will be able to deal with the dramas of a 20 or 30 something tita who just wants to be happy in life. But until then, I wish you best of luck and I hope you are in a happier place than I am right now.