The irony of my life right now

I am the eldest among my siblings. I have always been the ‘ate’, the strong one, the rational one, the responsible one. My earliest memories include my parents telling me that I should look after my siblings. I was the role model.

So all throughout my life, I was the dependable ate, always there to listen to, always available to help. In my family’s eyes, I am unbreakable: strong-willed, focused and goal-oriented. But that changed, because of the pandemic.

During the start of the lockdown, I felt positive despite what’s happening. I have a  place to live in, I had my partner living with me, I had a job and I was healthy. At the start of the lockdown, I reassured myself that everything will go back to normal soon. This is just a going to be six months. Working from home wouldn’t be that bad. I have family and friends who are healthy and are there when I needed to. “I am fine”, I told myself. 

I found ways to detach myself from all the negativity around me, no reading of news, less social media screen time. I focused on my goals, started baking, read books, started my 10-step Korean beauty routine and learned a new language. I focused on making sure I keep in contact with people that I love most, my family especially. I became more aware and observant of what my loved ones are feeling to make sure they feel that I am here, ready to listen. 

I continued to chat with my friends and made them feel connected and that despite not seeing each other, we are friends and that I am just here, ready to listen. Ready to help. 

Little did I know, during those times I also needed help. I didn’t realise I had emotional needs, I needed support. I needed someone who can listen to me. During the times I told everyone I love, “I am here“, “I’m ready to listen“, “Do you need help?“, “Is there something I can do for you?”, I had my own battles. I had my own personal struggles. I felt demotivated at work. The news has finally got to me. I was crying for no reason. I had arguments with my partner almost every week. I felt weak. I missed my family. I needed my family. I was homesick. I felt alone.

I tried to share my feelings with my partner. He didn’t understand. “I’m a happy positive person. I don’t understand what you’re going through. What do you want me to do? How can I help you?“, he would say. Those times I would fall silent. How can he help me? I didn’t know what to say.

I couldn’t share what I was feeling with my family. I knew they had their own problems, I knew they will worry. I felt they wouldn’t be able to help.

I almost tried to reach out to my friends. I would rehearse what I would say. I would type and retype the messages that I never sent. It would take me long hours to decide whether to call my best friends. I never did in the end. It felt stupid. I felt stupid.

I thought I was the only one who could help myself. Maybe I can get through this on my own. Maybe I will be able to help myself feel better.

But then again I felt weak. Again I felt alone. The only outlet I had was sharing quotes on social media. I let it out, and waited for someone to notice. Waited for someone to reach out. 

There were a number of friends who reached out. Some really reached out and listened, spent days exchanging messages with me. For a few more days or weeks, I felt content in a way. Yes, I do have friends. Yes they do care about me. My family noticed my moods during video calls as well. They thought I looked sad. They started asking questions. We started having calls almost every day despite the time difference. Yes my family was there. 

Then it went quiet. The negative feelings came rushing back to me like a lightning – no warnings. Just went straight. Suddenly I hit rock bottom. My emotions were everywhere. I felt like my life was a big mess – no directions, no purpose, no plans. I had an uncertain future. 

I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even talk about it with my partner. I felt troubled.  Alone. I felt sad. There I was again, lost in my own thoughts, empty and sad.

I struggled sharing how I felt. I couldn’t even share anything on social media anymore. I reached out to Mama. I reached out to my brothers. Even with them I felt distant, physically, emotionally and mentally. I was all alone. 

It took me a couple of draft messages before I finally opened up. I cried for a long time. I tried opening up why I felt that way but I couldn’t figure out why I still struggle to tell them everything. I’m homesick, I told them.

But that was half a lie. 

I was homesick. Yes. But that was not the entire reason why I was down. I have a mental list of all my worries, all my problems, all the negative things I worry about. Homesick was the only word I could think of to summarise. Whether it actually summarises everything? I’m highly doubtful of that. 

Even now looking back when I’m trying to get my head around what is happening, I still haven’t told them everything – all of my feelings, all of my worries, all of my doubts. Until now I still feel detached. Even now I still feel down. 

But all this time, I still ask my friends or family, “do you need my help? Is there anything I can do to help? Call me when you have time. Talk to me when you feel down“.  Never “I’m down, I need your help“.

I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to appear weak. I don’t want to ask. But deep inside I’m crying for help, for someone to notice.

Is it probably because this is who I am? I have always been a rock for my family. I have always been the tough one. I felt like I don’t have the right to be weak.

I wouldn’t say that my life is more difficult than the rest of you reading this. I wouldn’t in a million years say those words. But I have come to realise that it’s very difficult to appear strong, especially during this time, especially during the pandemic. And it’s okay to ask for help. I have realised I just needed to open up. Because my family and friends love me. I realised despite their own problems, they are also waiting for me to ask for help.

I’m still struggling. I’m still experiencing the dark days. I still find it difficult to say directly that I needed help, that I needed someone to talk to. I still always say, “I am here if you need me“. I still struggle in saying, “I need help, can we talk?“. But as each day passes, I feel much better knowing that there are people around me (physically or not) who are ready to listen. Maybe not 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but I felt the presence.

In uncertain times like these, all we need is to open up. It will be difficult for some, easy for some. In my own experience, it took me a few months to realise that it is alright to seek for help. It is okay to be not okay. I am not yet in a level where I needed professional help. But, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t need it anyway. Maybe, if I continue to be honest with my feelings and talk to my loved ones, maybe I will be in a better place. Probably not soon, but in time.

(Dear reader, if you ever feel down, alone or sad, please reach out to someone you love. If you feel like you are unable to do that at the first instance like what happened to me, please use the contact form below and I’ll be happy to listen/read your experience and I can share my thoughts as well)